after the baby....

For those of you who don't know (not that this needs to be public knowledge, I guess), this pregnancy was a big 'ol surprise.  In no place in my mind did I imagine that the past year would be so nuts. I won't bore you with all the details, but trust me. We've had quite the year.

All of this to say that last year, when I imagined this year, I did not imagine a baby.  I imagined that I would be working and applying to graduate schools and living happily with Lamine. So far, two out of three.  I still really want to go to grad school, though, and the deadline for applications is approaching in January.  I've been wanting to apply to the Masters of Social Work Program at BSU in Lewiston (only about 45 minutes away) because they offer a part-time program where you can take classes in the evenings and on weekends. Perfect!

Today, though, I e-mailed the site coordinator a quick question, and I found out that they won't be offering the part-time option until 2012 or 2013! If I wanted to attend the program in Lewiston or Coeur d'Alene, I'd need to have a BA in Social Work, which I don't.  I don't know what to do. Maybe I'm crazy for thinking this way, but I'm afraid that I'll feel like I'm standing still next year--like I'm not moving towards any of my goals.  All of this makes me feel about like this:

I should explain that I have this fear of settling...of becoming comfortable in the security of my job and being too afraid to take the risks that may be necessary in order to be truly happy...In the same breath, I'm also terrified of not being able to pay the bills and of not being able to provide for Lamine and myself and the baby and I just don't know how to find the balance between these two fears.